“This happened during my African-womanhood-threshold period. “She states. The lights are off and I can barely see her using the table lamp that I presume to be from LBL lighting but her voice tells that this heart right here just wants to pour it all out tonight.

 Grace is her name; she claims that her parents had not given her some fancy name or one of those telemundo names contrary to what the society does nowadays.

I ask her if she would have wanted such a name attached to her. She leans back to gain comfortability and slowly says;

“YES and NO.”

 I glance at her for some seconds before she continues, “No because I do not think I would always sound or feel authentic and the name would always sound like some mask to cover the real me, I would also have to try be this character that am not.”

At this point, my mind transits to a telenovela with a cast known as Isabella. She is the complete definition of a human without error, always knowing what to say, how and she never gets angry. And am left wondering if all the girls that bare that name are subject to her traits.

Grace stares at the painting on the wall and with a voice that seems to carry the burden of the whole world, she says, “and YES because there was a time in my life when I became a stranger to myself. I could barely get a me in myself and it felt as though I deserved one of those names but the ones that suit villains.”

She pauses and the silence is abit scary, I stop looking at her and instead fix my eyes at the same painting. This work of art has always been here the couple of times I have been to this place,I would see it but it had never seemed so communicative as it felt at the moment. It depicts responsibility and the ability to stand for what is right. Next to it is a picture one that I had thought belonged to her parents till later.

It entails those love characteristics that are stated in the Bible, the ones that apparently qualify love to be love, know them? I inquire of the reason of her name, the name given by her parents and she soundly states that her parents are religious and so it influences most of their choices in life. A voice in my mind wonders if grace was a name in the Bible and as though she can hear me, she says, “Grace ain’t a name in the Holy book but it’s there in terms of what God gave to His people apart from favor to help them out. My parents thought that if I had that appellation God would be with me and I would gain love from all over.”

I start wondering if the name I bare really counts or where would it fit according to the classification of metronymic that Grace seems to hold.

She continues… “My name sure enough gained me grace. I have always been a friend to most if not all but my grace exceeded its boundaries. Sometimes I tend to think that if I was a Rosie or a Lillian like you, it might have never attracted as such (she giggles alil and continues) that’s just but my silly notion though…since things happen and we cannot always tag them to our names.”

I double nod

“My own ‘brand’ brought along a man if not a gentleman.”

Anxiety gets the best of me and I swiftly move closer and fix my eyes on her, I realize her eyes are closed and there is a distant smile on her cheeks. She goes on…

“Unlike all the others who come with poems of how flawless and perfect I am and the fairytale we can create together, he came with words of imperfection being a strength and poems of how friendship can be of value in terms of developing each other. He always had a way of making sense out of every silly tiny thing that seemed senseless. He told me to always adopt to changes when needed just like a certain tree species in Asia and China that sheds leaves and blossoms when its time but then again I should always be rooted firmly to the ground.

I remember his frequent words that I should always take care of those that I love and the world can come afterwards.”

I had tried closing my eyes also to try and cruise with her on this yacht of memories but my imagination wouldn’t serve me right, so there am left staring at her. I ask her what happened and why she is telling me of a friend with so much emotion, I mean he is just but a friend… Immediately she opens her eyes, the smile vanishes, she stands up and walks towards the closet. She comes back holding a silver bracelet with the words love and wrong. She hands it to me and says that he loved silver and that’s why she had this bracelet made.

“Grace, why the words love wrong? “I ask

She laughs a lot but her laughter is abit skeptical. Eventually the laughter is gone and she says, “its wrong love. Silly.” I agree with the silly me and laugh it out for a while.

“You know Lillian, I never thought that I would fall for him and even so I knew there was never going to be an us because he was taken. He had been dating for a pretty long time let alone being engaged and I knew that.

We were good friends till that day that he said it all and I knew we had caged ourselves in a nest that we had weaved. I always knew that nest was more vulnerable than any other. It’s position at the tree was delicate, just alil wind would make it fall and no other bird would come to its rescue. He was a man of substance and mature enough while I was a girl of the kingdom who knew the dos and don’ts. We amicably decided to go our separate ways for the sake of those we love. Him, for the soul reason of his fiancée and me, the reason of my parents and faith.

Unfortunately, our efforts hit a dead end when we met again and I can remember him asking if just but for a while we can just think of ourselves and lock the world out. I somehow knew that it was selfish of us to dare but still…”

I try restraining my tongue yet I find myself wondering out loud if they are still together.

“We no longer together. We had so many break ups that I had influenced because of my constant fear of doing something wrong. The issue of right and wrong was like a ghost wovering over us every second and I knew I had to write him off. I had to put a stop to it. He was a heart that I crushed but for the right reasons, a soul I frustrated in many occasions but it was only fair enough, no one hurts without getting hurt and at times I tend to think that my pain was way more than his though I played the role of Ms. tough. I pray that he never held a grudge; I hope he learnt to accept my decision and saw the value in it.

He was a fan of hiphop and obviously I found myself in that same sea. Long after the distouch,I still sang the songs. I would listen to our favorite hits a lot till I realized they only weakened my grounds instead of helping me move on.”

“Grace, I have heard of people that stick to such partners irrespective of how dangerous it can be,I know you loved him and you probably still do, so what really gave you the guts to let go?”

He might never know this but his fiancée, I thought of how she might feel, I thought of how dedicated she has been to this relationship, how she might have sacrificed things just for the guy and although he was the first guy I ever loved, I knew I had to step back.

Funny thing is that there was a time he suggested I be a lifetime secret partner (if that ain’t a fancy name for a mistress)and build a hidden family. Shockingly, I considered it, I was buying the idea but I somehow knew that nothing stays under the sleeve for long, its meant to be noticed in due time but if not I never wanted to be in the club of women who show up at funerals to claim the inheritance of their children and the world stares at them as though they are aliens. The idea of having to make my child feel that he/she should stay behind the curtains hurt a lot.”

I look at the picture of the love traits again and I pretty much agree hers was indeed wrong love. I ask if she was the one who had placed it there and if so; why. “Yes, I did after attending a church ceremony during my recovery period. I thought for some reason God was talking to me and saying I had to let it be. That it was all but wrong and if love ain’t right then its pointless, its not worth the pain, if at the end it will just hurt souls that didn’t deserve to be hurt.(Someone might think am being all holy since i claim to hear God but here is what happens, we all got some sort of an high court in our hearts and each time we are faced with something it deliberates and the best part is after giving you all the information it lets you make your judgement/ruling…that’s just it, its not a story of God descending to earth or so) This is not a memory that I can tell you I completely forgot ,no!, it always stays but what happens is you learn to move on when you choose to be strong, when you choose to be responsible and be humane enough.

Wrong love just like any other relationship is serious and beautiful although on many occasions it is but a roller coaster of weird emotions; those of guilt, despair, doubt, fear, anxiety and so forth…and so in many cases you are ever scared if your partner really loves you even after being assured they do countless times.

The most dangerous thing about this kind of ties is that they help in creating love triangles which increase crimes of passion, people completely loose it and result in such.”

She continues

“This whole journey was exhausting, full of insecurities, dilemmas and so painful but it taught me a lot. I believe we don’t have to be 70yrs old in order to gain wisdom since one single experience drags tones of lessons along with it

Unlike the community, I learned on how not to judge, I understood people better and I would rather help you however I can than lecture you with a pile of the rights and wrongs of a community that preaches love but survives on violence.”

She yawns and rubs her eyes, I check the wall clock and its 3 o’clock in the morning. I know I shouldn’t ask more questions so we can both rest but am curious if her taste for music has changed.

She claims it did, not because hip hop is awful but change is unavoidable. She now loves any song from any genre that is good for her soul and apparently her favorite song as of now is Amina by Sanaipei Tande(if you do not know it please don’t think of it as some sort of an old Christian folk song that probably the senior choir in your church presents every Sunday, try listening to it)

“Grace, why that song?”

“It entails the message I pretty much want to communicate to all those that I hurt, all those that were involved, and all those that I disappointed.”

She takes her phone and starts playing the song, she sings along and I follow.

To me Grace didn’t deserve a telenovela villain’s name instead she earned that of a STAR who has fought THE BATTLE OF HEARTS.

Let’s sing; AMINA

Aaaaah aaaaah aaah aaah

aaaaah aaaaah, aaaaah aaaaaah

Ooh mama, panguza chozi

Siyatafakari vita vya juzi

Si kupenda kwangu kukuudhi

Ila tu ujana haubagui

Dada panguza chozi

Sijitie lawama kwa uzushi

Kwani vita kati ya mandugu si ya firauni

Wakati hauniruhusu mi

Kurekebisha yangu madhambi

Kwa hivyo nawaomba siku hii

Nikumbukie mazuri

Mi nataka mucheke siku ya mwisho

Siwe mpweke mi bado niko

Namshukuru Mola kwa kuwepo

Nasema Amina

Amina amina A A amina

Amina amina A A amina

Amina amina A A amina

Amina amina

Ooh mpenzi panguza chozi

Sijijaze chuki wewe moyoni

Hasira hasara

Yote ya mwenyezi

Oh rafiki panguza chozi

Sijiumize we kichwa na maswali

Utansamehe sana kwenda bila mkono wa buriaani

Wakati hauniruhusu mi

Kurekebisha yangu madhambi

Kwa hivyo nawaomba siku hii

Nikumbukie mazuri

Mi nataka mucheke siku ya mwisho

Siwe mpweke mi bado niko

Namshukuru Mola kwa kuwepo

Nasema Amina….

                            BY: LILIAN MBITHE


  1. Undeniably imagine that which you said. Your favourite justification appeared to be on the web the simplest factor to bear in mind of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed at the same time as other folks consider issues that they plainly don’t understand about. You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and also defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , other folks can take a signal. Will probably be again to get more. Thank you

  2. I just wanted to write down a quick note to thank you for all the magnificent ways you are placing at this website. My prolonged internet investigation has finally been compensated with good insight to exchange with my companions. I ‘d mention that we website visitors actually are unquestionably fortunate to exist in a magnificent site with very many lovely individuals with great strategies. I feel very blessed to have seen the website page and look forward to many more cool minutes reading here. Thanks once more for everything.

  3. I must show my thanks to you just for bailing me out of this type of setting. After checking throughout the the net and getting views that were not beneficial, I believed my life was well over. Existing without the presence of approaches to the difficulties you have fixed as a result of your main article is a serious case, as well as the kind that might have adversely affected my career if I had not discovered the blog. Your personal mastery and kindness in controlling almost everything was invaluable. I am not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t discovered such a point like this. I am able to at this time look forward to my future. Thanks very much for this high quality and result oriented help. I won’t hesitate to refer the blog to anyone who needs guide on this matter.

  4. My wife and i felt quite satisfied that Chris managed to conclude his reports from the precious recommendations he acquired from your own blog. It is now and again perplexing to simply always be handing out helpful tips that many many others could have been selling. And we all keep in mind we need you to appreciate for this. Those explanations you made, the simple website navigation, the relationships you can give support to create – it’s got all amazing, and it’s aiding our son in addition to the family do think the situation is enjoyable, which is really indispensable. Thanks for everything!

  5. I am glad for writing to let you know of the amazing experience my cousin’s child had reading yuor web blog. She discovered a wide variety of pieces, not to mention what it’s like to possess an amazing helping mood to have folks without hassle comprehend several tricky matters. You actually did more than our desires. Thanks for giving these useful, trustworthy, revealing and even cool thoughts on that topic to Evelyn.

  6. I simply desired to thank you so much all over again. I’m not certain the things that I would’ve undertaken in the absence of these ways provided by you on such theme. It seemed to be a frightful crisis in my opinion, but encountering this specialized technique you solved the issue forced me to leap with delight. Extremely thankful for your help and expect you comprehend what a great job that you’re providing educating people today using a web site. Most likely you’ve never come across all of us.

  7. My spouse and i were very satisfied when Chris could deal with his investigations through the ideas he acquired from your very own web site. It is now and again perplexing to just always be making a gift of tips and hints which usually some others have been selling. And we all do know we need the writer to be grateful to for this. The entire explanations you’ve made, the easy website menu, the relationships you will assist to promote – it’s got mostly sensational, and it is aiding our son and us believe that the article is amusing, which is certainly pretty mandatory. Thanks for the whole lot!

  8. Admiring the time and energy you invested in this site and detailed material you offer. It is awesome to discover a website from time to time which is just not the similar expired re-written information. Awesome read! I have bookmarked your website and I’m adding the RSS feeds to my best games webpage.

  9. I happen to be writing to make you understand what a cool encounter my wife’s girl had viewing your blog. She realized plenty of things, with the inclusion of how it is like to possess an excellent giving heart to have many others with no trouble know a variety of impossible issues. You undoubtedly surpassed readers’ expectations. Thanks for coming up with such good, dependable, edifying as well as cool tips about that topic to Kate.

  10. I am just commenting to make you know of the brilliant experience my friend’s daughter encountered viewing your webblog. She learned a good number of issues, which included how it is like to possess a very effective coaching spirit to get other individuals without difficulty master selected extremely tough things. You truly surpassed people’s expectations. Thanks for showing such essential, safe, explanatory not to mention easy tips on that topic to Lizeth.

  11. My wife and i felt really satisfied Chris could carry out his analysis from your ideas he gained while using the web site. It’s not at all simplistic just to continually be releasing points that many other folks could have been trying to sell. We fully grasp we’ve got the website owner to give thanks to for that. Most of the explanations you’ve made, the straightforward site menu, the relationships your site assist to instill – it’s got many great, and it’s assisting our son in addition to our family know that that situation is awesome, and that is unbelievably important. Thank you for all!

  12. Thank you a lot for providing individuals with an extraordinarily special chance to read articles and blog posts from this web site. It’s usually very pleasurable plus packed with amusement for me personally and my office fellow workers to visit your site a minimum of three times every week to study the new stuff you will have. And lastly, I’m just at all times pleased for the excellent ideas you serve. Certain 1 ideas in this post are definitely the most impressive we’ve had.

  13. I simply wanted to appreciate you yet again. I’m not certain what I could possibly have undertaken in the absence of the actual tips and hints revealed by you over that subject. It previously was a very hard scenario for me personally, but being able to view the skilled mode you treated that forced me to leap over happiness. Now i’m thankful for the work and in addition hope that you comprehend what an amazing job that you’re doing educating people today all through your web page. Most likely you’ve never met any of us.

  14. I really wanted to construct a small word to appreciate you for all the lovely secrets you are writing on this website. My long internet research has at the end been compensated with pleasant know-how to talk about with my best friends. I would assert that many of us website visitors are definitely blessed to live in a notable website with many awesome individuals with very beneficial points. I feel really happy to have encountered your web pages and look forward to so many more pleasurable moments reading here. Thanks a lot once more for a lot of things.

  15. I simply had to appreciate you again. I am not sure what I could possibly have carried out in the absence of the entire hints discussed by you about my situation. It truly was a frightening crisis for me personally, however , being able to see your skilled tactic you managed that took me to weep over gladness. I am happier for this support and in addition wish you find out what a powerful job you have been carrying out teaching others via your blog. Probably you’ve never encountered any of us.

  16. I must show my gratitude for your generosity supporting those individuals that should have help on this field. Your very own commitment to passing the message along ended up being exceedingly informative and has truly allowed ladies like me to attain their dreams. Your amazing insightful help and advice can mean this much to me and further more to my mates. Thanks a lot; from each one of us.

  17. I precisely needed to appreciate you yet again. I do not know what I might have achieved in the absence of those basics discussed by you concerning my theme. It has been a troublesome scenario in my opinion, however , understanding this skilled way you resolved it took me to leap over gladness. Extremely happy for your work and thus hope that you comprehend what a powerful job your are doing teaching men and women all through your webpage. Most likely you haven’t met all of us.

  18. I am only commenting to make you be aware of of the beneficial discovery our girl enjoyed checking your web page. She figured out a wide variety of details, not to mention what it is like to have an awesome giving spirit to get other people with ease learn about certain multifaceted matters. You actually did more than visitors’ expected results. Thank you for displaying these practical, trustworthy, edifying not to mention unique tips about your topic to Emily.

  19. I want to express my thanks to this writer for rescuing me from this type of scenario. As a result of surfing throughout the online world and getting views which were not powerful, I was thinking my life was gone. Existing without the presence of answers to the problems you have solved by means of your entire report is a crucial case, and the kind which might have adversely affected my career if I hadn’t noticed your blog post. Your good understanding and kindness in taking care of almost everything was valuable. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t come upon such a stuff like this. I am able to at this point relish my future. Thank you very much for the professional and sensible help. I won’t think twice to refer your blog post to any person who needs guidance on this subject matter.

  20. I am also commenting to let you know of the fabulous discovery my wife’s daughter found reading your webblog. She noticed many pieces, with the inclusion of what it’s like to have a marvelous giving mood to let others just thoroughly grasp several hard to do topics. You undoubtedly surpassed readers’ expected results. Thanks for displaying the necessary, healthy, informative as well as cool tips on that topic to Evelyn.

  21. Hello! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering which blog
    platform are you using for this site? I’m getting sick and tired of WordPress because I’ve had problems with
    hackers and I’m looking at options for another platform.

    I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

  22. I intended to write you a bit of observation so as to thank you so much as before considering the great pointers you’ve shared in this case. It has been so extremely open-handed of you to allow extensively all that a lot of people would have offered for sale for an e book to help make some dough for their own end, mostly given that you might well have tried it if you desired. Those solutions likewise worked to be a fantastic way to fully grasp that many people have a similar passion the same as my personal own to understand a lot more with regard to this issue. I am sure there are a lot more enjoyable moments up front for individuals that check out your site.

  23. There are some attention-grabbing closing dates on this article however I don抰 know if I see all of them middle to heart. There’s some validity but I’ll take maintain opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we want extra! Added to FeedBurner as effectively

  24. I just wanted to send a small message in order to thank you for all of the superb strategies you are giving out on this website. My time intensive internet research has at the end been rewarded with high-quality concept to share with my company. I would say that many of us visitors actually are really endowed to live in a notable website with very many special individuals with valuable ideas. I feel somewhat blessed to have used the site and look forward to many more awesome times reading here. Thanks a lot again for everything.

  25. My husband and i felt really joyful when Peter could conclude his research using the ideas he gained from your own weblog. It is now and again perplexing just to find yourself giving for free ideas that many a number of people might have been making money from. We fully grasp we now have the website owner to give thanks to because of that. Those illustrations you have made, the easy blog navigation, the relationships you make it easier to foster – it is everything impressive, and it’s really helping our son and us consider that that content is interesting, which is certainly truly pressing. Many thanks for all!

  26. My spouse and i ended up being delighted when John managed to carry out his reports from the precious recommendations he discovered while using the web page. It’s not at all simplistic to simply always be making a gift of secrets that many other people have been trying to sell. And we grasp we need the blog owner to be grateful to for this. The type of illustrations you have made, the straightforward website menu, the relationships you give support to foster – it’s got most amazing, and it’s really leading our son in addition to our family feel that the idea is exciting, which is really fundamental. Thanks for the whole lot!

  27. I have to show some thanks to the writer for bailing me out of this particular circumstance. Right after browsing through the search engines and seeing principles which were not helpful, I assumed my life was done. Existing without the approaches to the problems you have fixed by means of your entire write-up is a crucial case, and the ones that might have in a wrong way affected my entire career if I had not noticed your blog. Your good mastery and kindness in maneuvering a lot of things was vital. I am not sure what I would have done if I had not come upon such a subject like this. I can also at this point look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot so much for this reliable and results-oriented guide. I won’t hesitate to refer your web sites to anyone who would need recommendations on this matter.

  28. My husband and i ended up being very thankful Louis could carry out his investigation while using the precious recommendations he obtained from your very own web page. It’s not at all simplistic just to happen to be offering tips and tricks that many other folks might have been making money from. And we also figure out we now have the writer to be grateful to for that. Those explanations you’ve made, the easy blog navigation, the relationships you will assist to foster – it is many exceptional, and it’s really letting our son and the family understand the idea is thrilling, and that’s exceedingly essential. Many thanks for all!

  29. Thanks for all of the labor on this website. Debby take interest in getting into research and it’s simple to grasp why. Most people learn all relating to the lively mode you make very helpful information through the web blog and even improve response from people on this matter so our own child is really learning a lot of things. Enjoy the remaining portion of the new year. You’re the one conducting a pretty cool job.

  30. Thank you so much for the amazing write-up! I actually liked it.I will make sure to take note of this page and definitely will return very soon. I wish to suggest you to definitely keep on with your fine writing, possibly try to think of teeth whitening cost also, have a good afternoon!